There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
