I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
