i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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