a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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