guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
