I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
