Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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