we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
