i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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