Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
