i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
