Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
