Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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