I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
