Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
