a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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