Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
