I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You need Xanax blowdarts
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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