i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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