am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
