first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm too high and old for this...
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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