Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
