Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
