so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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