How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Its about making memories worth repressing
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
