I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
