then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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