Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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