i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She bit a glass in half.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
