Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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