im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
