True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
