If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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