He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
