i think my tv is drunk
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
