At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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