i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
