The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
