she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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