The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
