Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
