How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
