A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
