So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
