You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
