I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
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