I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
