We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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