He disabled his match.com account in front of me
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
