I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
