Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
